How to Overcome a Painful Heartbreak
- Shakti Rishi
- Jul 12, 2024
- 9 min read
Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for. ―Mandy Hale
How to overcome a heart shattering heartbreak? Short answer...Get a new one.
And before the new one also meets the same fate as the previous one, read on.
A breakup is dreadful.... But what is worse is its afterglow...
The bouts of all those memories that you have shared together... All those birthdays... anniversaries... outings... surprises and what not!!! But what haunts the most is the sense of 'Regret' and 'Rejection' while simultaneously being enamored by the thoughts of a dark future in which you live alone and die alone. Sometimes one knows what went wrong, sometimes we think we know who went wrong, sometimes we are clueless. Either ways, it sucks.
But don't worry. You are neither the first one nor the only one going through this hell. And we are here to help.
But before even thinking about how and why your relationship broke down and how you can recuperate from it, I think it would perhaps be really helpful if you are able to comprehend what the opposite, a super successful relationship, looks like. What attributes and features characterize the people involved and the dynamics of the relation itself such that both the individuals cease to exist as "I and You" and truly become "We" with an ever increasing experiential depth of it.
Now consider, that the way you are tempted to think about how the "other" was so wrong in so many different ways, they think the same about you. In fact, the compulsion to "be right" is one of the most fundamental reasons for any type of relation to break down. And we are totally oblivious to when we are ourselves doing it while clearly seeing when the "other" is doing it. But more on that later.
Let's first clearly delineate what a healthy relationship is like and how the people who successfully create such relations are like.
____________________THE GOLD STANDARD
"All relationships of the world always have an "underlying purpose" the fulfillment of which is subject to the "commitment" of the people involved and the failure in fulfillment of that purpose is what breaks down a relationship."
I know that sounds super un-romantic. But it is a hard fact. A relationship is not a bond...nor a bondage. No matter what it looks like, there is always a purpose that acts as a glue to keep two people together. The commonality of the purposes is another crucial element. If the people involved have different purposes for getting into the relation then there must at least be a judicious synchronization of their respective purposes such that the relationship becomes an instrument for the fulfillment of both the purposes effectively, while evolving the people involved into becoming their best versions in accordance with their respective purposes. That's obviously a lot. No doubt. That's why handling a relationship successfully isn't ever easy and takes a lot of effort, at least in the beginning when the basic framework is laid down. If done well, the rest becomes easy.
You can find all such details of a successful relationship in this blog post. (Click here)
____________WHY DOES A RELATIONSHIP FAIL?
Is there a single common cause? or every case has its own specific causes? You would perhaps think it is the latter. But hold your horses. Actually, factually speaking, there is ALMOST always one single reason why any relationship breaks down, just one, but it is very fundamental....foundational, in fact.
Now, before you attempt to get out of this dark abyss of pain and depression it's important to realize that any relationship has to change with time. It's inevitable. But there are two possible trajectories that a given relationship WILL take. Overtime, some relationships get worse, while some follow a healthy "evolutionary pattern". The former are the ones in which the people involved didn't adapt with the evolving relationship dynamics, while in the latter the people involved evolve judiciously with the new requirements and equations mandated by the natural course of things.
Understanding the common reasons why relationships fail can help us navigate and potentially avoid these pitfalls. Here are some of the primary causes:
1. Poor Communication
Poor communication is arguably the single most common and foundational reason behind the breakdown of any relation. When partners do not share their thoughts and feelings openly, misunderstandings and resentment can build up over time. Misunderstandings can also occur when messages are not clearly conveyed or interpreted, leading to conflicts and frustration.Furthermore, avoiding difficult conversations can result in unresolved issues that fester and create distance between partners.
2. Lack of Trust
Betrayal, infidelity or dishonesty can severely damage the trust in a relationship, making it difficult to rebuild. At the same time, constant suspicion and lack of trust can stem from past experiences or personal insecurities, creating a toxic environment. Even small lies can accumulate and erode the foundation of trust between partners.
3. Different Priorities and Goals
When partners have different visions for the future, such as career aspirations or views on having children, it can lead to fundamental incompatibility. Differences in core values and beliefs can also cause significant friction and make it challenging to find common ground. In some cases, disparities in lifestyle preferences, such as spending habits, social activities, and health practices, can create ongoing conflicts that may eventually erupt into a full scale disaster.
4. Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Over time, partners may drift apart emotionally, leading to a lack of connection and intimacy. The unresolved conflicts can further create emotional barriers, making it difficult to feel close and connected. Failing to nurture the emotional bond through affection, support, and quality time can result in a weakened relationship.
5. Incompatibility
In certain cases, fundamental differences in personality and temperament can lead to ongoing clashes and misunderstandings. When partners do not share common interests or hobbies, it can limit opportunities for bonding and shared experiences. In an increasing number of cases differences in sexual needs and preferences can cause dissatisfaction and strain the relationship.
6. External Stressors
Money issues are a common source of tension in relationships. Financial stress can lead to arguments and increased pressure on the partnership. Also, Conflicts with extended family or friends can create additional stress and strain on the relationship. For some relationships, demanding work schedules and poor work-life balance can leave little time and energy for the relationship.
7. Lack of Commitment
Relationships require ongoing effort and investment from both partners. A lack of commitment to maintaining the relationship can also lead to its breakdown.
And when one or both partners do not prioritize the relationship, it can result in feelings of neglect and insignificance. Having a long term vision can help a lot because without a shared long-term vision and dedication to making the relationship work, partners may struggle to stay committed.
8. Unresolved Personal Issues
Unresolved trauma or emotional baggage from past relationships can negatively impact the current relationship. In some cases, Mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, or addiction, can create significant challenges and require professional intervention. Low self-esteem and self-worth can affect how individuals relate to their partners, potentially leading to dependency or withdrawal.
9. Erosion of Respect
Constant criticism and contempt can erode the respect and admiration that partners have for each other while an imbalance of power and control can lead to resentment and a lack of mutual respect. Disrespectful behaviors, such as belittling, mocking, or ignoring, can undermine the foundation of respect in a relationship.
You may now be able to see one or more things from the above list that were responsible for your break up. But that still leaves us with the million dollar question... How to deal with this PAIN? How to heal?
___________SCIENTIFIC WAY TO OVERCOME A HEARTBREAK
Going through a breakup can be one of the most challenging experiences in life. The emotional pain and turmoil can feel overwhelming, but there are clinically proven steps and exercises that can help you navigate this difficult time. Here’s a guide to help you heal and move forward.
STEP 1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
It’s important to accept and acknowledge your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or hurt. Bottling up your feelings can prolong the healing process. Further, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. This exercise can help you process your emotions and gain clarity about your experiences.
You can also talk to reliable and trustworthy friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re going through. Sharing your feelings can provide relief and help you manage your emotions better.
STEP 2. Establish a Routine
Having a daily routine can provide a sense of stability during a turbulent time. Set regular times for waking up, eating, and engaging in activities. You must also incorporate physical activity into your routine. Exercise releases endorphins, which can improve your mood and reduce stress. A break up is also an opportunity for to rediscover hobbies and activities you enjoy or try new ones. Engaging in hobbies will distract you from negative thoughts and provide a sense of accomplishment.
STEP 3. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. It can help you manage negative thoughts and reduce anxiety. Regular meditation practice can improve your emotional well-being. Some Apps and many freely available YouTube videos offer guided meditations specifically designed for healing and relaxation. You must also practice deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body. Techniques like the 4-7-8 breathing method can be particularly effective , especially in those moments when the emotional flood starts to seem unmanageable.
STEP 4. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can help you identify and challenge negative thought patterns. Work with a therapist or use CBT workbooks to reframe your thinking. You can also create a list of positive affirmations and repeat them daily. Affirmations can help shift your mindset and build self-esteem.
Top this with writing down in a journal three things you’re grateful for each day. Focusing on positive aspects of your life will improve your overall outlook.
STEP 5. Limit Contact with Your Ex
It’s essential to set clear boundaries with your ex to give yourself space to heal. Limit or eliminate contact, at least temporarily. Remove or store away items that remind you of your ex. This can include photos, gifts, or any other triggers that evoke memories.Also consider taking a break from social media or unfollowing your ex to avoid constant reminders and comparisons.
STEP 6. Focus on Self-Care
Maintain a balanced diet to support your physical and emotional health. Avoid turning to comfort foods or substances like alcohol for relief. Also establish a bedtime routine and create a relaxing environment to promote better sleep. Feel free to treat yourself to activities that make you feel good, such as a spa day, a nature walk, or a movie.
STEP 7. Don't Reinforce the Negativity
DO NOT listen to sad songs, or sad poetry, or watch sad movies, no matter how strong the temptation is. You WILL feel a strong impulse to do these things and other things that will reinforce the harmful self dialogues. Distract yourself with something else, whatever it may be. Listen to songs that feel the opposite. Watch a stand up comedy special, go for a sport or play a video game.
STEP 8. Seek Help
If things get really rough, consider seeing a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationship issues. Professional support can provide you with coping strategies and a safe space to process your feelings. if possible, join a support group for people going through breakups. Sharing experiences with others who understand can be incredibly healing and helpful. You can also utilize online resources, such as therapy apps and forums, to access additional support and information.
Healing from a nasty breakup takes time, but with the right steps and exercises, you can begin to move forward and rebuild your life. By acknowledging your feelings, establishing a routine, practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, setting boundaries, focusing on self-care, and seeking professional help, you can navigate this challenging time and emerge stronger and more resilient. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take things one day at a time.
And from your ashes....you can and you WILL eventually 'Rise Like A Phoenix'....
In your healing journey make 'Rise Like A Phoenix' Tee your companion. It will give you the courage and determination to keep going and eventually rise from your own ashes.
FAQs
Q: What are the stages of getting over a breakup?
A: While everyone's experience is unique, the general stages include:
Allowing yourself to grieve
Establishing a new routine
Practicing mindfulness and self-care
Challenging negative thoughts
Limiting contact with your ex
Focusing on personal growth and healing
Q: How long does it take to get over a heartbreak?
A: There's no set timeline for healing from a heartbreak. It varies from person to person and depends on factors like the length of the relationship, the circumstances of the breakup, and individual coping mechanisms. The important thing is to allow yourself time to heal and not rush the process.
Q: What are some effective ways to deal with post-breakup depression?
A: Some effective strategies include:
Establishing a daily routine
Engaging in regular physical exercise
Practicing mindfulness and meditation
Journaling your thoughts and feelings
Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist
Focusing on self-care activities
Avoiding negative coping mechanisms like excessive alcohol use
Q: Should I stay friends with my ex after a breakup?
A: It's generally recommended to limit or eliminate contact with your ex, at least temporarily, to give yourself space to heal. This includes avoiding social media contact. Once you've had time to process your emotions and move forward, you can reassess whether a friendship is possible or desirable.
Q: How can I stop thinking about my ex after a breakup?
A: To help stop obsessive thoughts about your ex:
Practice mindfulness techniques
Engage in activities you enjoy
Challenge negative thought patterns
Remove or store away items that trigger memories
Focus on personal goals and self-improvement
Consider seeking professional help if intrusive thoughts persist
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